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Things I'll never do

2 minute read
  1. Believe that p =/= np
  2. Change my name to Felipe and become a corrupt oil baron based out of Portugal who profits off exploitation and coerced labor
  3. Be convicted of high treason for staging a government coup over state involvement with a ring of corrupt watermelon dealers
  4. Purchase a flamingo umbrella
  5. Stop feeling existential dread
  6. Drink coffee
  7. Ingest copious ammounts of ytterbium (III) bromide and post a detailed log of the experience on the internet
  8. Genetically modify mice to grow poisonous barbs on their tails
  9. Own a house in the appalachian mountains
  10. Become a wikipedia moderator
  11. Learn the ukelele
  12. Create a facebook account that posts exclusively handmade ASCII art of slices of bread stapled to trees
  13. Meet president Truman
  14. Get confused between the uses of “their” and “they’re” (seriously, their pretty difficult to mix up)
  15. Sabatoge a product launch by replacing the developer’s Aspirin with sleeping pills
  16. Buy a turtle
  17. Construct a functioning airplane out of airplane peanuts, or make any other political statement of a similar scale
  18. Stop learing
  19. Commission a life-sized artisinal glass sculpture of Winston Chruchill meeting Paul Erdős
  20. Be buried alive
  21. Mow my lawn with barber shop scisors
  22. Give a haircut with a lawnmower
  23. Commit regecide
  24. Go on a wild amphetamine-fueled tricycle rampage through downtown Berlin
  25. Obtain a large volume of uranium slag
  26. Make a tautological tautology
  27. Be acquitted of crimes against humanity on the grounds that I was temporarily replaced by an alien lookalike
  28. Declare war on Italy without sufficient reason
  29. Gift a stranger a large cut of beef
  30. Jaywalk
  31. Kidnap the chancellor of Finland and force him to freedive for pearls (in the month of December, at least; the water would be too cold.)
  32. Misplace my passport while giving a guest lecture in New Zealand
  33. Collect stamps. Or bottlecaps.
  34. Write in cursive
  35. Pay a contractor in the appropriate number of $1 checks
  36. Start a bookstore that sells individual pages of books only
  37. Train a lion
  38. Be trained by a lion
  39. Own more than 3 pink feather boas
  40. Step into the Large Hadron Collider while it is operating
  41. Play water polo
  42. RecurseRecurseRecurseRecurseRecurseRecurseRecurseRecurseRecurseRecurseRecurseRecurseRecurseRecurseRecurseRecurseRecurseRecurseRecurseRecurseRecurse
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  43. Be a politician
  44. Not think that all conspiracy theorists are just a government conspiracy to misdirect public attention
  45. Write an entire book in rot13 without the help of an automatic cipher
  46. Stop hating those presumptous, bombastic fools who think that anyone cares enough about their lives to read an entire list of things they would never do
  47. Befriend a short, taciturn Hungarian man named Andor
  48. Bathe a child in the river Styx
  49. Save data to a floppy disk
  50. Grafitti a proof of the Riemann hypothesis on a wall under a bridge

Published Aug 18, 2023

"But what kind of freedom does one have if one can use it only as someone else prescribes?"